can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
