one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
