R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
