if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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