God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
