remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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