fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
