Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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