and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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