while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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