Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
