i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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