Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
