A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I've blown a few things in my day
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
