Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize