Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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