There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize
