i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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