I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
