can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
