I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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