Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
