Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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