based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
