My balls are so social today.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
