new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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