I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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