ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
