I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
