Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
