Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
