I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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