2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
