I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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