70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
