I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
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You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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