i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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