Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
