i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways