i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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