Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
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Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
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Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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