You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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