apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
