So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
