i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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