I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
As shirtless as possible
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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