when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
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When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
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Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?