I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist