I'm going to jail i love you
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
