I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
