so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
