I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
