Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
