I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
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she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
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I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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