I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
